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I FRIGGIN' HATE THAT GUY!
By Craig Berosh
phillypage2 columnist (12-16-2002)
Of course, I reveled in the Eagles’ ass kicking of the Boys in week three, and fully expect to do the same after this weekend’s game. Never will I tire of that. However, I have also been subjected to watching Emmitt Smith’s rather pathetic push towards becoming the all-time leading rusher in games against the Rams, Titans and Giants. Push might be a bit strong. It reminded me of the time I ran the 10 miles of the Broad Street Run. It went well for a while, up to about City Hall and wasn’t pretty at the end (Wish I had bought the picture taken of me at the finish line. Would have made the front page of this web site). Smith is such a shell of his former form, I can’t even get worked up enough to hate him any longer.
I, like the rest of the football-loving America, was also forced to watch Dallas again on Thanksgiving. The Cowboys’ victory over the Redskins got less of a reaction from me than the yams I ate. Even watching Jimmy Jones and Jimmy Johnson play grab ass barely got my attention. I think I had the volume turned down. As a matter a fact, I don’t care enough to hate any of the current Cowboys. Just the hate the uniform at this point. Stay with my here as I’m not writing this piece as any kind of observation on the status of the Dallas Cowboys. (If I did, I would say that Dave Campo is comical and also a sitting duck, Quincy Carter/Chad Hutchinson will never be successful starting quarterback and rookie safety Roy Williams is a player, in the mold of Darren Woodson, a great and underrated player on all the champion Cowboy teams)
Sure, I find it annoying that I can’t watch football today without one or several of the old hated Cowboys being on my TV screen. Now I hate them while they wear suits as broadcasters. It’s not the same. Jimmy Johnson’s hair is still amusing in a two-tone, stiff kind of way. I make cracks about Michael Irvin being “toasted” while on air, Troy Aikman’s mangled memory and Moose Johnston’s lack of color as a colorman, but it’s not the same level of disdain as when they were on the field. I need some black hats. So now I’m searching the sidelines for some fresh meat to hate. Where is today’s Lawrence Taylor or Jim Kelly? Who can I hate equally as much as Mark Gastineau or Deion Sanders?
So, here’s my All-HATE team. The first criteria for making the list is that you have to be good. Only a modest level of hatred can be reached for an average player. Take Danny Ainge of the Boston Celtics for example. I hated him. But I hated Larry Bird so much more because he was a better player. Get it. If the guy plays on a rival team that also helps. And keep in mind there are two types of the hatred. There’s the hatred where you hate the guy’s friggin guts so much you hope he dies on the Vet carpet like Irvin and then there’s the hate like I-wish-that-guy was-on-my-team hate like Brett Farve.
WIDE RECEIVER: I friggin hate Terrell Owens. First off, I would like to say that I love to hate Owens (Category 2 Hatred mentioned above). I believe he is the best receiver in football with all due respect to Marvin Harrison and Randy Moss. I also think he’s the best celebrater in the game. You gotta admit that he’s had some good ones. Standing on the star at Texas Stadium, the cross-armed pose while he puts his foot on the ball, the Sharpie and most recently the pom-pons. He’s fun and he’s a jackass. You gotta love an enemy that gives you the rope to hang him.
COACH: I friggin hate Mike Martz. I actually wish the Rams were having a good year just so he could lose another big game his team was favored to win. If I hear one more announcer call this guy an offense genius I’m going to punch Martz right in the designer eyeglass frames. Let’s see, in just two years he’s taken the best and most-talented team and made them into a mess. His playing calling is arrogant (see Redskins game this year and all the hits on his quarterbacks) and it’s like he needs to be reminded to get Marshall Faulk the ball every week. Instead he calls deep passes every down with a shitty offensive line and gets his quarterbacks killed. Hate him. Also kinda hate Mike Holmgren of Seattle. I think it’s the eyeglasses thing.
TIGHT END: I friggin hate Jeremy Shockey. I never thought any one would overtake Shannon Sharpe in the tight end category, but here we go. First Shockey is on the Giants. He is a good player, might already be the best receiving tight end in the NFC. He’s got a good name…SHOCKEY. He’s from the University of Miami. He’s only a rookie. Just think of all the boos and slurs ahead. Remember Mark Bavarro, great tight end for the Giants and played briefly for the Eagles. I hated him for a long time but in a quite kinda of way. He was never outspoken or excitable like Shockey. This is going to be fun.
QUARTERBACK: I friggin hate Jake Plummer. He’s the perfect quarterback for Arizona. Every year they think they are going to be good, or at least improved, and every year they suck. Where are all the jack holes who compared Plummer to a young Joe Montana. He has more fourth-quarter comebacks than Montana did at this stage of his career. The reason he does is because he sucks for three quarters than tries to win the game in the fourth He still throws way too many interceptions (19 this year) and simply doesn’t play winning football. I’m very interested in Plummer’s second team when the Cardinals finally give up on him. I’m sure someone will pick him up. Maybe he doesn’t suck and it’s just a Cardinal thing. Could be Rich Gannon all over again.
ANNOUNCER: I friggin hate Joe Theismann. Hate him. Wish he would break his lips like LT broke his leg. Talks too much and disagrees too much. Doesn’t understand the power of silence or that when a game is on television people can see and make their own observations and decisions. He also thinks he really cool because he can tell you what the penalty call and measurement for a first down will be before the referee does. That cheesy sidekick Paul McGuire sucks too. Together they just about ruin the game on Sunday nights. On the other hand a former quarterback from the same era that I once hated in now the best announcer. Mr. Phil Simms. He’s understated, modest and has a good sense of humor. Might have been a nice guy while playing for Giants, but I still hated him. Look forward to hating his kid when he makes the pros too.
STUDIO GUY: I friggin hate Terry Bradshaw. Hard to look at. Hard to listen to. Don’t find him funny. Don’t find him insightful. He’s not boring I guess, but neither was the monkey in the Cannonball Run movies. I hope Jimmy Kimmel really does hate him because I love when Kimmel makes fun of Bradshaw. Finally, I always thought Bradshaw was overrated as a player. Love Deion Sanders. We knew he had personality being Neon and all. He carries that show on CBS. Dan Marino and Boomer are stiffs and Sanders is actually a very good interviewer in my opinion.
RUNNING BACK: I friggin hate Jerome Bettis. Everyone keeps saying the Steelers are better without Stewart at QB. Well I say the Steelers are better without Bettis. Sure he has a good nickname in The Bus, but a nickname is only valid if the guy lives up to it. Bettis seems pretty easy to tackle nowadays and has been hurt at least once a year for the past five years. He also celebrates first-down pickups and 7-yard runs way too much.
LINEMAN: I friggin hate Warren Sapp. The guy is good and would like to have him on my team, but too much mouth. I also realize that the Tampa Bay franchise has pathetic history, but Sapp might want to add a playoff win to all his smack talk. The whole instances where he blindsided the Packers’ offensive lineman didn’t endear to him either. I thought it was unnecessary but not necessarily cheap. (I also had no problem with Hugh Douglas’ hit on Jim Miller in the playoffs last year). Sapp acts like no one can question what he does on the field. Can’ wait for an Eagles/Bucs playoff game so the Birds can end Sapp’s season again.
LINEBACKER: I friggin hate Jeremiah Trotter. Use to love him. Now I hate him. Use to love the axe chop. Now I hate it. In the same mold as JD Drew and Scott Rolen now as far as I’m concerned. All had a chance to stay and all choose to leave. Went for the money (not that I’m against that). He’s now on a rival with a lot a hype and the Eagles gave the Skins the smack down twice. Love it. Even better, Trotter had a season-ending injury.
DEFENSIVE BACK: This was a tough one. No player really came to mind. I would just like to say I’ll take Brian Dawkins over John Lynch any day and I can’t believe Darrell Green is still playing. I hated him so long ago I don’t even hate him anymore.
KICKER: I friggin hate Sebastian Janikowski (Sea-Bass) Overweight. Foreign. Drunk. Bad Driver. What’s not to hate. Also believe he has the best leg in football.
So when you’re watching the Eagles kick the crap of the Cowboys this weekend, and you’re really not overly excited about it…just remember there are plenty of players hate-worthy still in the league.