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Remapping the Season
By Craig Berosh
phillypage2 columnist (10-6-2003)
When the schedules came out for 2003, my first thoughts regarding the Eagles path were that this ain’t gonna be easy. The Bucs, Pats, Jets, Packers, Saints, Panthers, Dolphins and 49ers to go along with an improved division. Look out! If things went great, 11-5 seemed doable. If things went bad like our quarterback played sub-par, injuries ravaged our secondary and defensive line and our wide receivers didn’t show much improvement, a Ray Rhodes-like 4-12 skid came to mind.
But the more the season unfolds, the better the schedule looks. The divisional opponents all seem sloppy or beatable. The Jets, Falcons, Saints and to some degree the 49ers are a mess. By the time November rolls around, Green Bay and Miami should be doing their annual meltdown. Here’s one dreamers scenario for the Birds running the table for the last 12 games.
At DALLAS: Quincy Carter, the league’s biggest surprise to this point of the season, comes back to reality and starts playing like Quincy M.E. (your know, Jack Klugman the crime-fighting coroner). The Cowboys’ victories over three weak opponents, the Giants (more underachieving), Jets and Cardinals, prove a mirage as the Big Tuna goes 0-for-3 on fourth-down conversions in an Eagles’ victory.
At GIANTS: The Giants offense continues to struggle behind a very average offensive line. The Eagles take advantage of the only pass defense in the NFC giving up more passing yards per game than they are. L.J. Smith outplays Jeremy Shockey and catches the game-winning TD set up by a Brian Mitchell fumble.
NY JETS at home: Eagles avoid the letdown as Vinny Testaverde throws three interceptions and gets sacked four times before being benched in the first quarter. Testaverde and Curtis Martin announce their retirements at halftime.
At ATLANTA: The Eagles pull out another road win in Michael Vick’s first game back The recovering superstar quarterback performs terribly as his offensive line plays worse than the Mean Machine once they found out Crewe was throwing the game (if you have no idea what I’m talking about, it’s a reference to The Longest Yard movie with Burt Reynolds). Vick single-handedly wins the final eight games for the Falcons and announces he’s forming his own team next season comprised entirely of relatives.
At GREEN BAY: Just like last year, the Packers begin to show signs of cracking as Brett Farve’s arm dislocates while attempting a leaping 40-yard pass behind his back. With QB Doug Pederson under center, the Packers fall behind by 42 points before Farve returns in the second half. His attempt to bring the Pack back falls just short however, as a bizarre accident involving a Lambeau leap and Gilbert Brown’s ass sends Farve directly into retirement.
GIANTS at home: The Giants’ season continues to spiral out of control as the Birds win on Brian Westbrook’s eighth TD of the season. After the game, Jim Fassel announces that he will begin calling the plays on defense as well as special teams.
NEW ORLEANS at home: The Eagles catch a break because despite his team’s total of two victories, Aaron Brooks declares he is holding out again until he gets another new contract and “props.” After an easy win for the Birds, Jim Haslett is immediately fired for attempting to trade all his draft picks to get Ricky Williams back.
At CAROLINA: Carolina is forced to play without Stephen Davis due to exhaustion and Jake Delhomme due to anonymity. The Eagles overcome the efforts of Rod “He Hate Me” Smart and Rodney Peete and top the Panthers on the strength of three David Akers field goals of more than 50 yards.
DALLAS at home: The Bill Parcells/ Jerry Jones fued is raging and Carter has regressed into an Akili Smith-type coma as the Eagles start to play their best football of the season. In a moment of weakness, Parcells confines that he really is a “homo” in an interview with Jimmy Johnson. For the first time since buying the team, Jones has no comment.
At MIAMI: The Dolphins December swoon is in full bloom. The quarterback controversy between Jay Fiedler and Brian Griese is so out of control coach Dave Wannstedt calls a record 51 rushing plays for Ricky Williams. The strategy backfires and the Eagles win on Freddie Mitchell’s team-leading seventh TD catch.
SAN FRANCISCO at home: Despite 15 receptions and four touchdowns by Terrell Owens, the Eagles win. After the game, Owens still complains that he doesn’t get the ball enough and wants to play in Philadelphia next year.
At WASHINGTON: The Eagles rout the Redskins in the season finale. Koy Detmer sees his first action of the season and suspiciously falls down in front of Bruce Smith who is tied for the all-time lead in sacks. Smith, however, misses the chance for the record when LaVar Arrington spears a helpless Detmer and negates the play. Daniel Synder confused on whom to blame refuses to re-sign Smith and instead buys the N.Y. Jets.