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What I Know About the Eagles
By Craig Berosh
phillypage2 columnist (1-12-2004)
Pats/Titans (Simms/Gumble): Someone should look into this relationship. I like Simms, but he makes way too many references to Gumble's salary, wardrobe and wussiness.
Eagles/Packers: Chris Collingsworth: I think I'm all wrong on him. Thought he was a big dork, but he criticized Farve for that gift interception in overtime and repeatedly said the Packers were letting the Eagles off easy by not running the ball. If he could "voice" his opinions without sounding like an 8-yard-old girl, he might be my favorite announcer. Use your big-boy voice Chris. Troy Aikman: He's very critical (jealous) of McNabb. He's not from Philly is he? Hey Troy, not every quarterback goes his entire career with a Hall of Fame running back and wide receiver and possibly the greatest offensive line in the history of the league. Joe Buck: Too cutesy frat boy for playoff football. I'd like to watch someone bigger than me punch him right in the designer eyeglass frames.
Colts/Chiefs (Deirdorf/Enberg): Like a bowl of homemade soup, hearing Dick Enberg's voice makes me feel good. Seeing Dan Deirdorf's mustache reminds of bad porn (yes, there is such a thing as bad porn).
Rams/Panthers: (Johnston/Stockton/Siragousa) How did Moose Johnston become a final four announcer? Time to dust off and embellish my resume. Dick Stockton is almost as clueless as Vern Lunquist. Tony Siragousa would be great if he could complete sentences and clearly express thoughts.
That was fun. Let's continue. As predictable as Quincy Carter's lame performance in the first week of the playoffs, several of the aforementioned announcers uttered the phrase, "Every play is magnified in the playoffs" or something to that effect. Here's a list (I'm big on lists) of performances that didn't pass the grade this post-season.
Mike Sherman – What a wuss. What a dope. Not sure who calls the plays for in Green Bay, but a mule (a.k.a. a jackass) kicking his hind leg once for run and twice for pass would have figured out to keep running the ball. I'm not exaggerating when I say the Packers should have called 100 percent run plays (no passes) in the second half. I actually felt good when the Birds held the Packers to only a four-yard run. When he didn't go for it on fourth-and-one at the end, I thanked God and promised to be a good person from now on. We can only hope John Fox is as incompetent.
Greg Robinson (Chiefs' defensive coordinator) – He really makes you appreciate Birds defensive coordinator Jimmy Johnson. Granted Manning and the Colts are red hot and K.C. has some serious personnel problems on that side of the ball, but two weeks to prepare and that's the game plan? Now I know what the captain's face of the Titanic looked like when the ship was going down.
Johnnie Morton – Maybe Matt Millen was right. Come to think of it, the Chiefs should be given a lot of credit for having such a great offensive season with Morton and Kennison as their two wide outs. Every week those guys dropped passes but this week it really counted because "Every play is magnified in the playoffs."
Mike Martz – Couldn't be happier about this one. Once again, Martz got way too "creative" down at the end zone. Although the Eagles scared the hell out of me by going for a touchdown at the end of regulation (two close sacks and two jump balls in the end zone), Martz played for the tie and lost in overtime.
Brett Farve – FOX's coverage of his thumb being taped couldn't have been more intriguing. All together, I thought Farve played awful, especially considering how effectively the Pack was running the ball. After weeks of getting lucky with heaving the ball down the field, he finally went too far. That last pass was a disgrace. He can't possibly retire with that being his last pass.
Jake Plummer – "I see you Leopard" -- a reference to a line in one of my favorite movies, This Boy's Life (DiNero and DiCaprio, 1993). A leopard can't change his spots and Plummer can't play on the big stage. Obviously, Denver got smoked in every aspect of the game but at least K.C. and Trent Green put up a fight. The sad part is that it might take Denver another two years to realize that Plummer is not the answer. Here's a quick list of other teams that think their current quarterback is the answer but won't realize for another three years that he is not:
a) Detroit/Joey Harrington (the next Jake Plummer)
b) Jets/Chad Pennington (at least three more years of 6-yard passes)
c) San Diego/Drew Brees (I think they know it and will draft Eli. Worth repeating, they had Michael Vick)
Quincy Carter – Still haven't decided whether his career will follow the path of Tony Banks or Jeff Blake.
Drew Bennett – Dude, gotta make that catch.
Maurice Carthon (Cowboys' offensive coordinator/Parcells' personal valet) – Why is he being mentioned for head coaching jobs?