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McSpiracy Theories
By Jim Beach
phillypage2 columnist (9-26-2003)
Here is a simple fact for you to digest. Donovan McNabb has a QB Rating of 41.4. Now, I can’t begin to tell you how one goes about determining a QB rating. Hell, I’m not so sure the guy who developed the formula could recall how many hallucinogens he ate that fateful day. What I do know is that 41.4 just plain blows. It is the lowest of any NFL starter this season. My question is simply, how come it is that high? After all, have you ever seen a quarterback play so horrifically for eight straight quarters? I’ll answer that for you-NO. That’s because they get benched before they reach that 8th quarter of embarrassing play. I am here to tell that I will sniff out the best explanations for this unmitigated disaster. And then I’ll promptly toss those explanations into the garbage dump that has become McNabb’s career and let you know what the true cause of this spectacular flameout is.

The first wonderful excuse that I heard was the booing that began at halftime during Monday Night Football has affected poor Donny. Give me a break. He is a professional athlete-its part of their code to ignore us lowly fanatics. Unless, of course, we’re paying them $20 to scribble their name onto a newly revered possession. Then they can manage to hide their disdain behind a fake smile for a brief moment and pretend to care you know how to fix what ails their team. But to suggest that early booing has sapped him of his confidence is truly a leap into Cluelessville and a lame assed Mcspiracy Theory.

I also heard this beauty being offered-DMac was too bulked up. His much publicized off-season regimen has added 10 pounds of muscle to his upper body. According to Dave McCrossin, strength and conditioning coach for the Flyers, every pound of muscle added to the upper body throws a person’s center of gravity off by 1/8 of an inch. If this ridiculousness is actually accurate, then our Fallen Hero’s center of gravity is off by a hair over an inch. However, I’d like to point out that he couldn’t hit the ocean if I spotted him water up to his knees. Surely an inch and change could be compensated for by any athlete good enough to play professionally. I offer this excuse as debunked Mcspiracy Theory number two.

There has been talk that his monstrosity of a contract has made him disinterested. Whatever genius threw that one out there obviously never competed at anything more than Band. I think its safe to say that when its third and ten (in this case because of Anti-Run Reid and two passes that were off twice as far as a Peter North money shot) the last thing McNabb is thinking is, “Gee, who cares what happens here, I can’t wait until tomorrow when I pick up my new Hummer with the 12 inch chrome rims and purple velvet interior and park it next to my other 32 tricked out rides, yo”. No, he’s a professional athlete who’s been a fierce competitor his entire life. I’d be willing to bet that there are 165 hours a week where he’s got the bling-bling going cha-ching cha-ching but, that for those three hours a week on the field, he’s there to do whatever it takes to win. This is just another stupid Mcspiracy Theory probably thrown out there by someone jealous of that contract that is looking more like an albatross with every successive passing attempt.

This is perhaps my favorite Mcspiracy Theory. The caretakers of the most successful business in the world (the NFL-pay attention people) have decided they are tired of seeing black QB’s being successful. They felt much better when the most important position in sports was being manned by one of their own. So, they decided to take whatever steps necessary to stop this trend. You know, having legs broken (see Vick, Mike) or, in the case of McNabb, they simply intercept the play and send in the package best suited to defense said play. This actually makes some sense. If you also think that the hot bartender was really flirting with you because she thinks you are the only man alive that could provide her with the perfect sexual experience. What I mean is the defenders could all sit down at the snap and there is still only a minimal chance of Donovan hitting anything not made of dirt and grass.

This brings me the real reason Donovan McNabb has been playing so poorly. Drum roll please. It is because he’s just not a very good passer. He made the NFL on his legs, cannon arm and, to some degree, his intelligence. His touch has always been questionable. Think about how often he’s hit a receiver in stride. Yea, I can count the number on one hand too. The West Coast offense is predicated on those short passes being right on the money so that yards after the catch become a weapon. Even when he’s played well the last few years, the short pass has never been his strength. You might argue that the speed has been lacking in the WR position during his tenure. I say that give any NFL WR a pass that hits them in the bread basket in full stride and there are not many DB’s who will catch them. I say this because I watched Jerry Rice, a guy not blessed with 4.2 speed, become the greatest WR ever by running a precise route and having the ball hit him perfectly in stride. McNabb’s receivers are forced to reach out, up, down or back to catch the football, leaving them little hope of making a big play. What you have with McNabb is a tremendous athlete with a fairly major deficiency as a quarterback. Unfortunately, that weakness is pronounced playing in Andy Reid’s offensive system.

So, there you have it. Just remember, he isn’t as bad as he’s looked and he’s not as good as you believed. Which simply means the Eagles will never win a Super Bowl if they are counting on him to do it for them..

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